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Submitted on
March 16, 2012
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Wandering on the streets tonight,
People hiding from the lights.
A scratch, it burns, claws so deep.
The truth is out there can't you see?

One step further in the dark,
You will always wear these marks.
You gasp, a shock, straight to the bone.
Oh please don't!
Leave me alone.

There is no hideout, no safe room,
So I wish, please take me home...
Audio available [link]

It's sad, but sometimes that's what life's about.
I tried to capture the threatening feeling of being an outsider and feeling down.
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:iconbabypearlie:
Critiquing for :iconGoldenCritiqueClub:

Ahhhh... I love me some poems. I find that after I read a poem, I start talking in a rhythmic way for a while :P Anyways, great poem! I love it when a poem isn't just something clever, but has a a story that goes with it. It was a bit of a creepy poem, and you caught that emotion very well. The picture you chose goes very well with the poem too.

Now for critique.. Maybe I'm just an idiot who can't figure stuff out, but I didn't quite understand the third and fourth lines of the first stanza. So much of the poem is telling what's happening, so third and fourth lines don't quite match up with the rest of the poem.

Other than that :D It's a super duper great poem! Keep writing!
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconramekinkin:
a really eerie, yet great poem. its short, but it really brings about emotion and how the reality of the outside world will always make one wish for the comfort of home.
the rhythm is pretty consistent--its nice that you kept the syllables for each line at a pretty strict 7/8 meter--it makes the words flow. the only part that differs from this set time is the 4th and 5th lines of the 2nd stanza, but it worked perfectly because they complete the regular 7 syllables when said together--separating them into 2 lines though makes it more dramatic.
*the only thing i would suggest is that you keep the 2nd lines of each stanza consistent by using a capital letter at the start.
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3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconslowlysailing:
slowlysailing Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The simplicity of this is what works and makes it really effective. It gets to the point and drives and emotion home that we have all felt and is very relatable. I really like the way you constructed this piece and I don't think I have any corrections for you. Well done! :heart:
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:iconvpoffantasyland:
VPofFantasyland Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
Thank you for the kind words :)
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:iconslowlysailing:
slowlysailing Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you're very welcome :heart:
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:iconvpoffantasyland:
VPofFantasyland Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
Did you read my other poems as well?
And if you didn't, would you mind to read some more and critic them?
Because you seem to know what you talk about and I want to know how I can improve my writings :)
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:iconslowlysailing:
slowlysailing Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
haha, i have not but I would not mind reading them. however, i'm a little busy at the moment so do you think you could note me or comment me with some links to the pieces you want me to read. thank you :D
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:iconmrbliss4:
MrBliss4 Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2012
I love it. It's so awesome, sad isn't always bad when it comes to poetry :meow:
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:iconvpoffantasyland:
VPofFantasyland Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2012
Thank you dear :glomp:
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:iconmrbliss4:
MrBliss4 Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012
No problem :tighthug::glomp:
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:iconshareratje:
shareratje Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2012
Yes i like!:)
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:iconvpoffantasyland:
VPofFantasyland Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2012
Thank you a lot! :D
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